The Black Mechanical Pencil

The other day I was walking through the BYU bookstore on the BYU campus. I was down on the basement level where the school supplies are, and I was looking for a good pen to mark my scriptures. I was glossing over the large selection of pens and pencils that the bookstore has all neatly arranged in displays. A variety of colors and styles, each group neatly situated in their individual clear Plexiglas cubbies with bright colored signs and paper for testing. As I skimmed the cubbies looking for the right pen with the right colored ink with the right properties (mainly that they won’t bleed through a page and it won’t smear down the page. I want a fast drying, clean, brilliant sleek styled pen in order to mark my brand new- fresh leather-compositely bound-golden engraved set of scriptures, in the most stylishly fashionable and orderly manner), my eye caught the black and silver shine of the sleek 0.5mm Pentel P205 Technical Drafting mechanical pencil (made in japan).

The 0.5mm Pentel P205 Technical Drafting mechanical pencil (made in japan) is a rather expensive writing utensil. In the BYU bookstore they are about $5.99 plus tax, PER PENCIL. To put that into perspective that’s roughly equivalent to 12 McDonald’s apple pies (I'm sure that put it all into perspective for you of course :P). And that is just for ONE pencil. I have always bought the cheap pencils. They are like $2 for a box of 12. You know the little yellow ones that you need to sharpen? And they are made out of wood? Yeah those ones are the ones I bought until I came to college (in high school is did start to use a variation of wooden ones and mechanical ones) and started heavily investing in the cheap mechanical pencils by Bic (by the by, this is in no way any diss on the Bic brand or the Bic #2 mechanical pencils they sell. In fact I do rather like them). In contrast, one of those Bic ones at the BYU bookstore goes for about $.69 plus tax (I realize that the BYU bookstore isn’t the cheapest place. In fact there are many things that are overpriced. When it comes to buying those things that are overpriced I find it helpful to rationalize the buying of items by telling myself that I am paying for the convenience, and that’s true. I could pay the few extra cents to get something now, or I could pay for the extra gas to take a side trip to the nearest Wal-Mart or office max. I could also spend the time to walk to my car and drive there and look for the item in store then purchase it then get back in the car and then head back to the school and then get back. When I weight the price of the gas plus the price of my time plus the price of energy expended I usually feel like it’s more economical to pay the few cents of a convenience price.) so you can see how much more expensive the black Pentel is: it’s approximately 8.681159420289855072463768115942 times more expensive. So if a Pentel pencil is approximately 8.681159420289855072463768115942 times more expensive than a Bic one, it is perfect natural that you would expect said pencil (Pentel) to perform 8.681159420289855072463768115942 times as well than the other one (Bic). Have I lost you? Read it over a couple of times and it should make more sense. So, yesterday with great excitement I went to use it for the first time in the Testing Center (as a side note of clarification it is not the Testing Center nor the OChem test that loomed before me that caused great joy to swell within my bosom but the opportunity to use my 0.5mm Pentel P205 Technical Drafting mechanical pencil (made in japan)). The Dodecagononical (12 sided shape for those not currently taking organic chemistry or are familiar with the more multi sided shapes) shape rested lightly in between my fingers. The lined embossed natural plastic grip moving perpendicular to the length of the pencil wedges between my thumb and index finger while resting along the side of my middle finger. The silver cone that comes to an extended point and the graphite that protrudes even further looks sweet. The tiny white eraser that is hidden beneath its silver cylindrical hood (that is used for clicking, the hood that is) is efficient but because of the size of the eraser there is not a lot of room for error. The black mechanical pencil is ever so slightly heavier than what I am accustomed to but the feel in hand can be no more than a few milligrams heavier if noticeable at all. The line is smooth and clean without messy graphite chips. The black slick plastic and shiny metal trim make for a very classy classic design. All in all it is a rather pleasant pencil.

In case you couldn’t tell I did end up buying the pencil. I bought it that very day I first saw it to be honest. I spent the boat load (relatively speaking it’s not a ton but it is a lot for a pencil. Well that’s not technically accurate either because there are pencils that cost thousands of dollars but if we limit our population to college under grads then it becomes a more pricey item) on the black mechanical pencil (which is ironic because I don’t ever really spend on anything. I like to shop at Wal-Mart and the DI and I love to find deals and bargains. I've needed new shoes for the past 3 months but I haven’t bothered to buy a pair yet because I have been hesitant to spent the money and I've kept telling myself that it’s ok. I tell myself that there is no harm in using my same shoes because they happen to cover my feet keeping them warm and protect my feel against the hard ground. The bottoms are thin so I can feel and appreciate the shape and size of each and every rock beneath me. The holes that fill the sides and bottom create a wonderful ventilation system to keep my feet relatively cool and smelling fresh and aired out. They still work basically. But my shoes are another story I’ll have to tell at another time.). Now you might be wondering why I would spend so much on a simple pencil and it may surprise you to know the answer (or maybe you don’t care or maybe you knew the answer to begin with so you know). The answer is not that I like to lead a lavish life (although that’s not a bad idea). The answer is not because I like luxury (which I totally do. I went to Philly recently and got spoiledJ but that too is another story for another time.). The answer is not even curiosity (are you getting tired of me telling you what it’s not? Hehe. Are you wondering when I'm going to just tell you already what it is? Hehe). The answer is my dad.

From the first moment I saw the pencil a flood of memories came to me. More accurately a whole bunch of random clips came to me. You see that pencil is one that I grew up seeing my dad use. That pencil was the very pencil I saw him carry around. That was the pencil I remember as a child seeing in his hand and he scribbled things down. The bits and pieces of memory that came back to my have to do with the pencil being the main focus of the memory but other things happening in the background. For example I remember seeing that pencil with my dad and his scriptures. He was writing something down. I don’t remember what. In fact I rarely recall what it was that he was writing ever but I remember him writing. The memory has undertones of a gospel related focus. He was writing something down at a dinner table. Another memory is of him writing in a folder. As I recall it was a black 3 ring binder of sorts. There are work undertones to this particular memory. It is as if he was working on something work related at home. Both happened in the home. The next memory is of the pencil but the pencil has 2 different erasers at different times. I remember the tiny white eraser and I seem to recall a tiny green eraser. I am unable to distinguish if its 2 separate pencils or just a replaced eraser. I also remember rarely seeing that pencil alone. What I mean by that is that as I looked down at the unforgiving eraser (unforgiving in a sense that since it’s so small it’s not really made to be used a ton or to erase a lot. There isn’t a lot of room for mistakes as I explained before.) I began to recall an eraser, a separate one. It was a long blue shaft with a white cylindrical eraser that you could push up. The pencil seemed to always be with this blue eraser (the eraser was white but the plastic casing that it came in was blue). And when I think of the blue eraser my mind is drawn to a thick yellow highlighter. I remember seeing white pages full of black words and yellow lines that highlight various sections. I have not as yet bought the eraser or the highlighter. I am contemplating buying the eraser though if I happen to come across it. We’ll see if that actually comes to pass. The last memory is of my dad writing on a note pad. The contents of the writings are vague and ambiguous. In short I cannot remember exactly or at all what he was writing, but I remember him writing. His handwriting was immaculate. It was succinct yet had such flow to it. I remember watching him form the letters as they danced modestly across the page. I loved his hand writing and I still do.  I remember specifically seeing his signature and wanting to copy it. It looked awesome. I loved the curved nature of his elegant E’s and was impressed by his W. it is unique. I would go and practice this over and over to try to get it just like his. In the end it never did look like his. It’s ok that it’s not exactly like his. My own signature has its own flavor but it was derived from my inability to accurately reproduce his signature. I bought my expensive pencil because it reminds me of my dad.

It really isn’t about the 0.5mm Pentel P205 Technical Drafting mechanical pencil (made in japan) at all. In all reality the black mechanical pencil is just another “thing” that we can't take with us when we go. It is the significance behind the “thing” that really matters. It is the memories that are evoked that matters. It is the man who is behind the black mechanical pencil that makes the pencil itself matter at all. It is a desire to be like such an amazing man. Similarly to how I always wanted to go to BYU just because my father had attended the school (and it wasn’t even the first school he attended but it was the one that I knew and associated him with). In the same childish fashion I wanted to be like my dad. I wanted to buy the pencil my dad used and use it at the university that my dad attended. From the simple child-like desires to emulate those you look up to; to the more profound meaning of what it means to try to be like my father, who has done much in his life thus far, I am glad I came across this pencil. The $5.99 plus tax is well worth it and such a small price to pay given the emotional and psychological benefits derived from the small purchase. As a symbol of good times, good memories and a good man I take pride in my little black mechanical pencil.

Now there is a chance that this is not the pencil. There is a chance that it was a completely different pencil (that would be funny and kind of weird at the same time hehe). There is a chance that my memories aren’t really memories but composites of life experiences that I sewed together and perceive as a memory that never really took place. Given the nature of my classes and the things I study I am willing to accept my human errors and not put it past myself to do such a thing. But if not... J. If I am wrong and it is not the pencil, is there really any harm in having good memories evoked by it? If I continue to believe it is THE pencil and I die and go to heaven and Heavenly Father tells me that it’s not and I spent the whole time on earth believing it was and drew great joy from it but it turns out to not be THE pencil, does it really matter? I think not. I am content believing it is though. I think it is. It matches my memory of it. And most importantly the man behind the idea is there and true and real. You see it’s not about the black mechanical pencil; it’s about the man behind it.